life as i know it...

finding Hope and Faith...

My goddaughters are still so young.  They are full of innocence and wonder, laughter and love.  Every single day, my life is profoundly impacted by their simple presence.  And I am continuously struck by the realization that they have no idea how deeply they touch my heart.  They have no awareness of the sense of fullness I experience as I hold them in my arms or snuggle with them on the couch.  They cannot understand the pure bliss I feel when I'm playing in the yard with them or giving them a bath.  And there is absolutely no way they can know how completely filled with love I am each time they give me hugs and kisses...or each time they say "I loves you." 

Last night, I stayed up late with their mom, one of my dearest friends.  We talked until the early morning hours, sharing stories of laughter and tears.  As she told me of how their names were decided upon, I marveled at the miracle of these two precious girls and how the truth of their names is so perfectly illustrated in their personalities and their way of being in the world...even at this very young age.

Hope is four years old and full of sensitivity and intuition.  Her crystal blue eyes sparkle with the radiance of her fighting spirit and gentle soul.  Her fragility can shake the earth from beneath her in mere moments, but her spirit refuses to stay down and her strength and willpower are remarkable.  I find myself at times simply mesmerized by her beauty, intoxicated with the love I feel for her.  Her smile could mend any broken heart and her tears can cause even the strongest heart to break.  She is truly a ray of light.  Hope is, to put it simply, a daily reminder of the eternal beauty and strength that is found in even the smallest beacon of hope.

Faith is two years old and full of zest and passion for life.  With her blonde, wispy hair and large, adoring eyes, she is the picture of an angel.  Beneath her delicate features lies a steady sense of determination.  There is no greater sound in the world than the sound of her laughter, pure and full and free.  While she might not always say much, you can see that she carries within her more than any words can say.  Her expressiveness shines through in so many other ways and there is a sense of trust that radiates from within her.  Just as the mysteries of the world do not always offer reasons or answers, Faith needs no explanations either.  A sense of trust in the unknown...Faith is the epitome of faith.

My heart feels so full and complete even as I write these words.  Images spring forth, filling my mind with ineffable memories.  I think of the future and I feel so incredibly blessed, knowing that my sweet, beautiful girls will be such a huge part of my life for the rest of time. 

A year ago, I felt like my life was falling apart.  One catastrophe after another had left me with an emptiness that I carried with me.  I had lost a great deal.  Most importantly, I had lost my sense of hope and faith.  At that time, I could not comprehend any reason for life's obstacles or the transitions I was forced to make.  Now, I look back over this past year and I know without a doubt that the place I ended up was exactly the place God meant for me to be.  Very literally, and metaphorically, I have found my Hope and my Faith.  It just so happens that I found them in two beautiful little girls who just happened to live in the house across the street.

 

grieving and healing

For the past 18 hours, I have been caught in an emotional whirlwind of pain, hurt, disappointment, and anger.  I did not sleep last night and have spent the majority of today literally sick to my stomach, deliberating how best to handle a situation that seemed to have no possibility of resolution.  At least no resolution unless I continued to bury my feelings and carry the burden of knowing that I had once again betrayed myself. 

For years now, I have swallowed my words, bitten back the bitter truth, all to protect a friendship which I found myself constantly defending to everyone around me.  It was a good friendship in the beginning.  Full of fun and laughter, adventures and the carefree abandon of youthfulness.  As the years passed, the friendship shifted, but still we maintained a closeness that no one and nothing could sever.  In the past few years, our friendship has taken even more turns.  Unfortunately, I finally reached the recent realization (pointed out to me for many years now by many people) that this friendship has essentially been a process of continuously giving, giving, giving on my part.  I gave because I wanted to give.  I was there because I wanted to be.  But now, during the most important time of my life, the only gift I have been offered is guilt. 

I have listened time and time again to the devastating circumstances of her life.  I have been willing to listen and offer empathy, compassion, support, and encouragement.  But the time arrived when I had to force myself to take a step back and evaluate the relationship from the outside.  What I found upon doing this was one of the greatest disappointments of my life. 

For four years, every single time we have seen one another, it has been because I went to her.  Not once has she come to me.  I have put aside everything in my life to be there, no matter the consequences.  I have given time and money and all the love in my heart.  But somehow, more was always needed.  I was called upon for numerous reasons, on numerous occasions.  Oftentimes, there was little or no consideration given to what my own life circumstances were at the moment.  Yet during all of it, I defended her.  I made excuses for her.  I justified a friendship to my family and friends and everyone around me that did not deserve the justification.  But through it all, I refused to give up.  I chose to keep believing in human goodness and kindness, in thoughtfulness and selflessness. 

In the end, I am the fool.  By trying to be the better person, by giving everything I could give and more, I am now left with an emptiness within me and the realization that perhaps I should have listened years ago and let go then.  Instead, I let go tonight.  My intention was not to let go or end the friendship.  She asked me to share my honest feelings and I did.  For the third time in a decade, I was completely and openly honest about how I felt and why I felt the way I did.  The response I received was the closing of a decade. 

Now I sit here, my heart breaking, and yet I know I have to remain strong.  On the two previous occasions when I verbalized my honesty, my words were met by cruelty followed by months of silence.  Eventually, I would go crawling back, apologizing for things that I never felt deserved an apology.  But I apologized nevertheless.  I apologized to reestablish a friendship, to recreate a sense of peace.  It is only now that I am realizing that all I created was a false sense of peace.  In fact, what I have considered to be a friendship until tonight actually died long ago.  I simply did not have the strength to grieve the loss.  Tonight…now…it is time to begin this long-overdue process of grieving.

***

It is now 24 hours later and I have experienced an unexpected sequence of emotions.  After the initial anger and hurt, feelings of great sadness settled upon me.  The tears flowed but it was a more an experience of catharsis than true heartbreak.  I’m not sure if I am simply pushing the feelings away at the moment or if perhaps I have actually been grieving for longer than I even knew.  Over the years, the tears have come on many occasions.  The anger has risen and been pushed back down, only to rise again.  The hurt has left scars upon my heart.  Last night, I carefully removed the bandages only to realize that those scars have been gradually healing for quite a while now.  Yes, some are more raw than others.  Some need a fresh bandage.  But many of them are much less visible than I expected.

Today, I have experienced an unusual sense of serenity.  In the process of revealing my honest feelings, a part of me was freed from burdens that have long been held.  While I did experience brief moments of guilt last night, doubting myself yet again…the guilt was not present today.  In place of the guilt, I felt a blanketing sense of relief.  I felt pride.  I felt like my heart was saying thank you for listening to me. 

I know that there will be more moments of sadness and anger and disappointment and most likely even guilt.  It is difficult to change such ingrained ways of thinking and being.  But I also know, in the deepest part of my heart and soul that I did the only thing left for me to do.  I followed my heart and allowed myself to love and respect myself.  Though the heart’s path may be painful to walk at times, it is the only path to living an authentic and self-preserving life.

emerging from the rains...

It has been quite a while since I last wrote.  I have sat down on a number of different occasions in the past two weeks with the intention to write, but each time found myself with an absence of words.  My energy has been nearly non-existent and my body in constant protest, the effects of a nasty bout of bronchitis and sinusitis.  After two full weeks, I am finally feeling a bit more like myself. 

My imagination has awakened from its lengthy slumber and I find myself once again dreaming of creativity…hours of gazing out the window and writing…exploratory adventures into Nature with my cameras…the seduction of vibrant acrylics and oils waiting to play upon the pure white canvases.  A newfound curiosity with stamping and embellishments, wiring, and multimedia, has emerged as well.  My mind is dancing with ideas, the creative juices pouring forth a refreshing cascade of possibilities. 

With another semester of school nearly complete, I am finally able to feel the excitement in the air…that buzzing promise of Spring just beyond the corner, days playing in the park with the pups and my goddaughters, reading books for pleasure.  Of course, there is still much work to be done even after classes finish next week.  My Comprehensive exams are June 3 and a great deal of time will be devoted to preparation for that as well as more intense work on my dissertation.  Nevertheless, my sense of hope and excitement cannot be quelled.  After months of too much school and work and wedding planning…after an exceptionally long and severe Southern winter…after relentless storms and drenching rains…I can feel a change in the air.  Dogwoods and cherry blossoms are beginning to grace the perimeter of the streets…reminders that Spring in on her way, belated though she may be.  Bare branches are birthing new leaves, lush and green.  As soon as the sun shines down to dry the earth, it will be time to work in the yard.  Pulling weeds, a monotonous task, but one that brings an odd sense of pleasure for me…a new beginning, a cleansing, a time for simplifying and nurturing.  The back yard has been damaged quite a bit by all the storms, heavy rains, and two rambunctious dogs.  That renovation will take longer but there is a pleasure there as well…the image of my private sanctuary urging me forward.  While there is much to be done, I cannot help but feel a sense of joy that I have been missing for the past few months.

With less than 3 months before the wedding and most all of the plans complete, I am looking forward to the month of June.  After Comps, I will have a few weeks left to focus on wedding stuff and relax before the big day.  There is such a feeling of fullness when I think of it all…this day that has been planned as a true celebration of love and family and friends…a day with no expectations for perfection, only faith that the meaning of it all will be the legacy that lives on for everyone involved.  And after a day of excitement and celebration, a unification of love and family…one blessed week in the Caribbean.  The beginning of summer…and the beginning of a new chapter, marriage, the creation of a family…the beginning of our future. 

Spring and Summer await with so much hope and promise and meaning.  Time for creativity and company, relaxation and adventure…life and love.