For some reason, I’ve found it incredibly difficult to read so many beloved blogs lately. These blogs, your blogs, which I love so dearly…the portals to your lives and your souls and your spirits…I have been avoiding them and I have convinced myself that the reason was simply because I was just too busy to read anything that was not related to school. That is partly the truth…since I’ve barely even touched a book unrelated to psychology in the past several months. But there is more to it than that. The other part I am only just now realizing.
The last blog I posted was about what I want, now, in my life. I wrote about the things that make me feel alive and happy and fulfilled…all those aspects of my life that I have let fall to the side only to be replaced by obsessive studying and work. What I am realizing these days is that I miss that sense of inspiration that is now buried somewhere deep inside me. I miss the flowing of creative juices, the bubbling up of imaginative ideas, the images of vibrancy and vitality that previous danced through my mind on a daily basis. In missing all of that, I think the truth is that I am afraid to visit all of your blogs. I am afraid to see your creations, to read your inspiring words, to catch a glimpse of your beautiful photographs. I am afraid that in witnessing the inspiration and creativity that each of you are manifesting in your lives, I will feel like a failure in my own.
So, now, I am asking for some help here. I am asking for advice, bits of inspiration, words of guidance, anything that might help restore my faith in the creativity that still lies somewhere inside of me. I need that creativity. I need the release that comes with words flowing on a page or paint smearing on a canvas. I need the beauty of letting go with my mind and allowing my spirit to take over. I need that part of my life, that part of myself, back. And so I’m asking for your help.
My Comprehensive Exams are on Tuesday. As of 4 p.m. on Tuesday afternoon, I have no more excuses to ward off the teasing of creativity, the seduction of inspiring images in my soul. As of Tuesday evening, I will desperately need to feel this release. And after so many months of neglecting it, I cannot seem to figure out where to even begin.
I browsed through a couple of blogs tonight and I was reminded of the beauty in this world that has been created here on the internet. I was reminded of that special tribe of women with whom I connected and who continue to hold a sacred place within my heart. I was reminded that my dreams are so much bigger than this upcoming exam, so much bigger than pursuing this degree. My dreams reach far beyond the walls of my everyday existence and it is time I break down those walls and reach out into the wild and beautiful realm of creativity again. Oh yes…it is almost time…
