waiting...on uncertainty

The future always holds uncertainty.  Ironically, the only certainty of the future is the very presence of its inherent uncertainty.  And yet sometimes, as it has been in the recent months of my life, the uncertainties feel overwhelming.  I feel lost, as if I am wandering along a path on which the destination is completely unknown.  In trying to embrace the beauty of the journey itself, I find myself stumbling across the pebbled earth, greeted by towering boulders that seem impossible to surpass.  I am grateful for the moments in which I can still see the beauty of the world, but the beauty is captured in flashes of color and then the world once again turns to black and white. 

 

Nevertheless, it is those very moments of beauty that keep me stumbling forward.  It is the moments when I glimpse the morning mist rising, hovering over the river, the sun creating beams of light through golden leaves…moments like this when I am able to breathe again and feel the hope buried within all the uncertainties.  It is the moment, driving along a crowded street, leaves of red and amber blowing wildly in a windy dance of excitement…it is this moment when I feel the intensity of life blowing through my own veins as well.  These are the moments I have been living for, desperately seeking.  These are the moments when I feel courage burning in the very core of my soul and my spirit takes a momentary leap of faith. 

 

It is all the other moments that leave me breathless, confused, frightened by the presence of so many unknowns.  So many questions that have no “right” answers.  I was not prepared for so many unanswerable questions.  I did not anticipate these particular fears and uncertainties.  But here I am, and I suppose this is exactly where I’m meant to be right now.

 

Now is a time of waiting, a time when patience and faith are necessary.  While I cling tight to my faith, patience has never been a personal virtue.  Perhaps I will develop more patience by the time I reach a place of any answers.  In the meantime, I wait.  I wait to hear from the 20 internship sites to which I applied…wait to find out if I will be invited for an interview, wait to see where I might be moving in six months time.  I wait to hear from the doctor…wait to get results from all the tests and procedures, wait to find out if surgery is inevitable.  I wait to hear from potential adoptive parents for my precious pups…wait to find out if they will have a new home soon, wait while the grief of losing them envelops me.  And without any answers, I keep on waiting…

 

I hate the feeling of waiting, the sense of not knowing what is going to happen.  I hate that lost sense of control, as if I have little (or no) choice in the happenings of my life.  But I also hate the choices, at least right now.  As difficult as it can be to relinquish control, there are times when it feels even more difficult to bear the responsibility of making decisions.  And the essence of my fear lies in taking these leaps of faith, trusting myself, and making the choices that will have to be made in the months ahead.

Comments

[Dad]

Toad Frog,
I always enjoy reading your blogs. You have a wonderful talent with your writing. Always take time to write a little, even if it is only in a journal.
Love,
Dad

[sky]

adoptive parents for your pups? are you guys are giving your dogs away? thinking they are both boys i assume no one "had" puppies. i am sorry to hear this and hope you will let me know more about this.

it won't be long - the waiting ends only to begin again about something else. life - always pending status somewhere.

sending hugs and love always.