There are days, moments even, when I feel unexplainably drawn to people from my past. Memories surge forth like unexpected tidal waves, crashing over me and causing a feeling of disorientation. In these moments, I experience a sense of bewilderment. Oftentimes, I feel overwhelmed and desperate to discover the meaning lying beneath the monsoon of emotions. I am flooded by a sea of experiences long since past, taken back in time, months or years or more than a decade, in pensive recollections.
I am prone to analyzing every nuance of life experiences, particularly the ones that occur unexpectedly and without warning. A single moment can take me full-force on a spiraling journey of reflective introspection. I question and wonder, exploring every seeming possibility until I have exhausted my mind. I cling to the mysteries held within those moments, part of me afraid to let go until I have uncovered at least the outline of the hidden puzzle. The most difficult part is accepting that some mysteries are simply not meant to be deconstructed.
For the most part, I try to live my life in the here-and-now. Intellectually, I recognize that too much focus upon the past or the future is not only unhealthy, but also an unfulfilling way of living in the world. However, despite my best attempts to embrace the present, there are those moments that creep into my awareness, startling me into reveries and disrupting the natural flow of my existence.
Tonight, I feel like the tide being pulled out to sea, waves of fragmented memories interrupting my thoughts. Rather than fighting this historical influx of experiences, I am allowing myself to float along the surface of the water. I am riding the waves of memory, at moments catapulted to the ocean’s depths before resurfacing and catching another breath of fresh, salty air.
Floating on my back, I look up and see the brilliant blue of a summer sky. I can feel the soft grains of sand beneath my back and the warmth of the Caribbean sun bathing my bare skin. I hear a familiar voice beside me, that voice the embodiment of excitement and youthful, carefree abandon. I hear the sounds of laughter and bliss. I smell coconut and suntan oil and the aroma of happiness.
A wave crashes over me and I find myself blindly searching for light in the darkness of the water. I hear words, spitting betrayal and hostility. I feel a hand slip from mine and the physical pain of heartbreak and disappointment makes me feel as if I am drowning. Struggling to find my sense of direction, I fight back, desperate for the solace I know can be found just beyond the surface. With every ounce of strength, I make my way upward, the feel of air rushing into my body a temporary reprieve.
My head is above the surface now, but I still feel as if my breath is caught in my throat. There are butterflies in my stomach and the world begins to spin a bit as I try to understand the immense power of the moment. I can see someone on the shoreline and miraculously, without effort, I feel myself being pulled toward the beauty of this companion on the beach. I am so close that I can feel our breaths intermingling in the air, now cooled by an autumn breeze. Reaching out, I feel our skin touch for a brief moment, and then the moment is gone.
I am on the shore alone now, my clothes too heavy for the fragility I feel in the wake of an inevitable separation. I strip away the clothes, longing for relief from the burden of exhaustion my body is still holding. But the discomfort persists and I feel as though the water has clogged every pore of my skin. I can no longer feel the breeze or the sand. I only feel confusion and regret at words left unspoken in that silent good-bye.
Gradually, I feel myself coming back alive. The salty drops of ocean and tears have dried, leaving my skin with feelings of purity and newness. I can see vibrant-colored cloths blowing in the wind and hear the tranquil sound of nature creating a haven around me. I am no longer floating on the water’s surface, but instead sitting upon the polished deck of a boat. The sultry air kisses my face and I realize I am heading Home.
Lost your link a while ago, but finally found it again today. What sad news from your Aunt of your Grandmother's passing. My deepest condolences to you and your family.
Posted by: daringtowrite | March 15, 2009 at 03:24 PM