I should have been at work today. I expected today would be my first day working at the hospital in Massillon, but as fate would have it, I am resting at the house instead. After a pleasant morning yesterday, meeting the other interns and getting acquainted with the general internship program for the consortium here, I was met with unexpected and confusing news in the afternoon. Due to Ohio state government budget issues, I am not allowed to begin my work at the hospital as planned. After a brief time of internal panic, I was assured that I will nevertheless graduate from an APA-accredited internship program. However, that was about the only question that was very directly answered. The other questions...when I will get to start work, where I will actually be working...could not be answered. And because I do not fully understand what is even happening with the state budget up here, I am now left waiting and wondering what this year will indeed hold for me.
In the meantime, I'm sitting in my patio chair, looking out at the backyard. The day is gray and chilly here, so strange for an afternoon in July. My body is not accustomed to such weather and I'm bundled in sweats, oddly missing the heat of the South. My bare toes feel like ice cubes, which naturally leads me to wonder how I will survive the brutally cold winter up here. I try to comfort myself by believing that the cold, icy weather expected of winter will not be such a surprise as this cool 60 degrees in the middle of summer. In fact, I keep trying to find all sorts of thoughts to comfort myself today.
With the holiday weekend approaching and this unexpected gray day on the farm, I have found myself continuously battling the feeling of being terribly and intensely homesick. I cannot help but think of my family in Georgia, the sweltering heat and humidity only a mild annoyance in the company of such loving companionship. I think of the art and crafts festival that is probably being set up down by the pier as I write these words. I imagine the beach, the good food, the fireworks spraying out vibrant designs of exquisite colors above the ocean. I think of these images and I miss home so much. I long to be there, to share in the festivities of what was once my favorite holiday.
Hubby continues to be such a blessing for me, now more than ever. He holds my hand while the tears fall, understanding that my missing home is just a part of me, and today, and the circumstances. He reminds me that the year ahead will be a good one, and I do believe him. I believe this in my heart. I met some wonderful people yesterday and had a nice, long conversation with a new friend last night. I know that the problems with beginning work will be resolved. I've read the weather report and am relieved to see that the weekend is expected to be warm and sunny. We've even found some local festivals and fireworks for our own celebration of the 4th. But today, in this moment, that belief does not take away the heartache of missing home.
Sometimes I think it's better to just allow myself to feel whatever emotion is present. I think that is especially true today. So instead of fighting the heartache and sadness today, I think I'll just let the tears falls when they want. I'll dig out my cozy leg warmers and snuggle under blankets on the couch. I watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, and I'll let myself miss Home.
I'm so sorry that you are homesick, darling. I miss you too, but we are both aware that this year has to take place before you become a doctor. I am just so glad that you have David and that you are in such a beautiful setting. I wish I was there sitting with you and enjoying your cool weather. It is so hot here that it totally zaps my energy. Enjoy your week-end with David and Dakota. Love and good thoughts and prayers are always sent your way.
Posted by: Mama Grace | July 02, 2009 at 10:10 PM