life as i know it...

mornings and music...

Mornings are perhaps the most beautiful time of day here.  The sun rises, brilliant pink and orange, slowly crawling above the fields in front of the house.  The corn has grown tall and looks like lithe ballet dancers gracefully swaying in the slight breeze.  Waves of light are thrown across patches of earth and the bricks of the house, almost like slivers of diamonds caught between the shadows.  The air is mostly quiet, the slight buzzing and humming of nature the only accompaniment to the music that fills my soul on such mornings.

There is indeed a song in my soul, and mornings are when I can feel the music at its most powerful crescendo.  The music is different, some days only a slight variation of the day before, other days passionately bursting forth a new, and perhaps unfamiliar, tune.  Some mornings bring melodies of comfort and others feel more like a tune caught in staccato.  This morning, it is a lullaby playing in my soul, trying to lull me back to the comfort of bed and the serenity of slumber.

The music inside me will continue throughout the day, though I will only hear it periodically in moments of quiet.  In all the moments between, I must remind myself that the beauty of the mornings awaits for each tomorrow and the melody of music is always in my soul.

finding reasons...

Sometimes things happen and we have no idea why.  Big things, small things, in-between things.  Things that may seem minor to others can shake us to our core, leaving us wondering...what is the reason behind it all?

The truth is that so many things happen in this lifetime for which we may never know the reason.  But in every one of these situations, we still have a choice.  We can choose to spend our time searching for a reason, or we can choose to trust in deeper, hidden meanings and find our own reasons in the meantime.

These past few days, I have been trying to find a reason to stay here in Ohio.  I have been trying to understand why God directed us here in the first place.  I have been trying to find a way to push all the frustration and confusion and fear aside, and make my own reasons in the absence of true understanding.  Because the truth is that I may never know why God sent us here, to a place so far away from our families and friends.  I may never know how I ended up working at a hospital where it seems as though I might not be able to help a single person.  I may never find the answers, or the reasons.  Nevertheless, I trust that those reasons do exist.  And in the absence of my knowing why, I have chosen to create my own reasons...and remind myself of them as often as necessary.

So while I did not spend this weekend having exciting adventures or even relaxing, I did come up with some reasons to stay in this place so far away from all I know and love...

My dream is to be a doctor, and this year of work is my final step in reaching that dream.

It is possible that in some small way, I just might be able to help even just one person.  And if I can help even just one person this year, that is reason enough to stay here.

I am not a quitter and I am stronger than I think.  Maybe this is a chance to prove this to myself.

I have a wonderful husband and a precious dog who have travelled all this way just to be with me.  While I know they will go with me anywhere in this world, I owe it to them to give this place a real chance and to give all that I have to make this work.

There is a beauty in this place that is unknown in the South.  And while the South will always be my home (and I cannot wait to return next summer), the natural beauty here is a daily reminder of God's blessings.  It makes me appreciate the differences and nuances that exist in diversified beauty and it simultaneously makes me appreciate the beauty back home even more.

In an ironic way, I need to do this for the people I miss so much back home.  For my parents that have always believed in me unfailingly, for my precious goddaughters who do not understand any of this now (but one day will), and for my family of friends that offer me amazing encouragement...I want to make them proud.

So this is the mindset I have tonight, and this is the mindset I am determined to have as I start a new week here.  Maybe each day will get better...maybe it won't.  But I know that finding these reasons to stay is necessary.  And maybe in living for these reasons, I will be able to fulfill an even greater, unknown reason.