There are very few people in this world with whom I feel like I can 100% completely be myself.
Everyone judges...it is part of being human. But many people take those judgments and use them against others. When people don't understand our words or behaviors or motivations, when they don't agree with the choices we make, then judgment springs forth like a dagger, and the sting of it hurts as deeply. Consequently, we learn not to divulge certain information. We learn to paint on a happy face, to conceal our flaws as much as possible, and to succumb to loneliness in times when we actually need support and guidance.
Of course we all wear various masks in order to function "normally" in society. We have our work mask, which we wear in the hopes that our professional persona can hide whatever personal troubles lie beneath. We wear our society mask...that one that prevents us from screaming in ignorant people's faces and causing scenes of "abnormal" or "unaccepted" behavior. We wear the daily "I am fine" mask...each time someone greets us and asks how we are doing, don't we typically respond with "fine" or "good" regardless of what is underneath our mask? And there is no inherent bad-ness in wearing these masks...they are survival skills and coping mechanisms. The problem occurs when we are no longer able to remove the masks.
There is fear associated with the removal of any mask. To show our true selves, to bare our souls, to allow others into that secret place often tainted with darkness...it is a scary thing to do. Often we are judged. Or misunderstood. Or what we believed was unconditional love no longer feels so unconditional. In baring our true selves, we risk being alone. We risk losing others or disappointing others. The result is that we typically don't remove our masks and when we do, it is done with careful deliberation.
I understand that all of this is simply a part of human nature and experience. I understand why it is necessary to wear masks most of the time and why it is so hard to remove them. And I understand why, despite the fear and risks involved, it is still vitally important that we allow select others to see who we truly are. But understanding all of this does not make it any easier to do. Good or bad, we learn more who these select people are with the passage of time and increasing age. Sometimes this increased knowledge makes it easier...but sometimes knowledge is accompanied by pain with the realization that we cannot always share our most private feelings with those we love most.
I am struggling with my masks lately. While I have been doing great in putting on the masks and wearing them when necessary, I am finding it difficult to remove the masks when it is time to show my true face. Even when alone, it is difficult to remove the masks. I stand before the mirror, knowing that what I see beneath the mask may not be pretty. I stand there and contemplate if I have the energy to deal with whatever lurks beneath. I see my reflection, and some days, it is simply easier to just leave that mask in place, smile at my inauthentic reflection, and turn away. Unfortunately, what is easiest is not always what is best...perhaps it is time to remove my masks, unearth the truth, and be proud of my courage, despite any ugliness that surfaces...
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