life as i know it...

wanting more...

"We always want what we don't have." - I have no idea who originally made this statement, but as much as I hate to admit it, it is a truth.  At least it is true a lot of the time.

So much time is spent living the day-to-day life in monotony, complacency, and boredom.  We go through the motions and do what needs to be done.  On occasion, we find something to entertain ourselves, to fill our spirits with more than just a moment's excitement.  But at least for me, I find that oftentimes I am still left with some empty space inside.  The problem is that I am then faced with the dilemma of trying to identify the reason for the emptiness and then find a way to fill it.  And filling the emptiness is the most difficult piece of it all.

Tonight I have that sense of emptiness.  I feel restless and yet nothing seems able to calm that place of internal chaos.  No matter what I try to do, nothing seems to help.  I'm left filling my time with empty activities and praying that sleep will come soon and tomorrow morning I will feel more alive, more full of life, literally.

It is easy in hindsight to look back on our pasts and see the good aspects of what we once had and have since lost.  I have been struggling with this a lot lately...this sense that I've lost some crucial piece of myself, of who I am.  I am not entirely sure what that piece is...I have some ideas...but I know that, in large part, that is where this current sense of emptiness was borne.  In some aspects, I am not at all the woman I want to be, or the woman I imagined I would be.  And now I am left with an imagination running rampant and that feeling of wanting, or perhaps needing, more.

being myself...

There are very few people in this world with whom I feel like I can 100% completely be myself. 

Everyone judges...it is part of being human.  But many people take those judgments and use them against others.  When people don't understand our words or behaviors or motivations, when they don't agree with the choices we make, then judgment springs forth like a dagger, and the sting of it hurts as deeply.  Consequently, we learn not to divulge certain information.  We learn to paint on a happy face, to conceal our flaws as much as possible, and to succumb to loneliness in times when we actually need support and guidance.

Of course we all wear various masks in order to function "normally" in society.  We have our work mask, which we wear in the hopes that our professional persona can hide whatever personal troubles lie beneath.  We wear our society mask...that one that prevents us from screaming in ignorant people's faces and causing scenes of "abnormal" or "unaccepted" behavior.  We wear the daily "I am fine" mask...each time someone greets us and asks how we are doing, don't we typically respond with "fine" or "good" regardless of what is underneath our mask?  And there is no inherent bad-ness in wearing these masks...they are survival skills and coping mechanisms.  The problem occurs when we are no longer able to remove the masks.

There is fear associated with the removal of any mask.  To show our true selves, to bare our souls, to allow others into that secret place often tainted with darkness...it is a scary thing to do.  Often we are judged.  Or misunderstood.  Or what we believed was unconditional love no longer feels so unconditional.  In baring our true selves, we risk being alone.  We risk losing others or disappointing others.  The result is that we typically don't remove our masks and when we do, it is done with careful deliberation.

I understand that all of this is simply a part of human nature and experience.  I understand why it is necessary to wear masks most of the time and why it is so hard to remove them.  And I understand why, despite the fear and risks involved, it is still vitally important that we allow select others to see who we truly are.  But understanding all of this does not make it any easier to do.  Good or bad, we learn more who these select people are with the passage of time and increasing age.  Sometimes this increased knowledge makes it easier...but sometimes knowledge is accompanied by pain with the realization that we cannot always share our most private feelings with those we love most.

I am struggling with my masks lately.  While I have been doing great in putting on the masks and wearing them when necessary, I am finding it difficult to remove the masks when it is time to show my true face.  Even when alone, it is difficult to remove the masks.  I stand before the mirror, knowing that what I see beneath the mask may not be pretty.  I stand there and contemplate if I have the energy to deal with whatever lurks beneath.  I see my reflection, and some days, it is simply easier to just leave that mask in place, smile at my inauthentic reflection, and turn away.  Unfortunately, what is easiest is not always what is best...perhaps it is time to remove my masks, unearth the truth, and be proud of my courage, despite any ugliness that surfaces...

another day in ohio...

It's a chilly, rainy Saturday here in Ohio and I honestly do not mind the weather...primarily because there are only a very few patches of snow left on the ground!  While I enjoyed all the beautiful snow this winter and it was certainly a new and exciting experience, the time has come and I am aching for Spring.  Actually, I'm already longing for Summer, but Spring will suffice at the moment.  And 45 degrees is such a blessing after months of brutal, frigid temperatures.

It has been a productive morning already and no doubt it will be a productive afternoon since I have to work all day!  I am grateful for the productivity, but I must admit that I wish I had this day to myself (or rather with my hubby).  Despite the rain, I would love to venture out and explore some of previously unforaged areas nearby.  Even the gym sounds potentially appealing today (and that is certainly a good sign that I am well into recovering from the week of miserable sickness!).  But so it is...a day for work. 

Considering I have to spend my day working, I am choosing to look on the positive side of things and appreciate all that I can today.  Sometimes I think we all need to stop for a moment and remind ourselves of all we have to be grateful for.  So, here is my list of gratitudes for today...

1 - I am grateful to be feeling healthy today.

2 - I am grateful for the opportunities I have received (even the ones I didn't necessarily want)...I am grateful to have this year in Ohio which has provided many new experiences and a greater appreciation of my Southern heritage and home...I am grateful for my new job that will allow us to return to Georgia in a few months...I am grateful for the pre-approval to buy a house...

3 - I am grateful for amazing family and friends...for a sweet and supportive husband, for encouraging and loving parents, for the BEST, most amazing sister in the world...I am grateful for wonderful girlfriends who have brought such joy to my life, for friendships that last a lifetime, and having awesome people by my side for each milestone that life brings my way.

4 - I am grateful for my work...if I have to spend a Saturday working at the hospital, I cannot think of a better way to spend it than watching a movie and talking with some of my favorite patients...and I'm thankful for the flexibility with my hours so that I can make up missed hours fairly easily without a lot of additional stress.

5 - I am grateful for my faith!  Beyond everything else, it is the ONE thing that keeps me going each day, that gives me hope when I need it most, and that always reminds me of the beauty in this world.

So today...it is chilly and raining...it is a Saturday that I have to spend at work...but it is also a day for which to be grateful of all the blessings in my life!

Sickness has a strange way of opening up a whole new world, or rather the same world through an entirely new perspective. Despite my crappy immune system and the numerous ailing aches and pains that I experience on a regular basis, I can honestly say that it has been a very long time since I have been as sick as I have in these past 3 days. And as much as I've hated every second of it, I do feel as though my eyes have been opened in the midst of my semi-delusional state of consciousness. Simple things ordinarly taken for granted have accrued greater meaning. Everyday gestures have been accepted with abundant appreciation. Greater respect and admiration for others has been gained. I could not have fathomed any of this as I laid on the bathroom floor with my body shaking uncontrollably and one arm wrapped around a trashcan. When my blood pressure became so low that I had to check it every 10 minutes to determine whether a trip to the hospital was warranted, my last thought was anything akin to appreciation. And still, my body is weak and aching. My head is still clouded and it is still a tremendous effort to move beyond my bed for more than 5 minutes at time. But my ability to think has returned, and with those thoughts, a new perspective has been born. Perhaps it sounds trite or naive or just plain ridiculous, but in this moment, I do not care how it sounds. Right now, what matters to me is that I was able to gain some strength and gratitude from a very miserable experience.

I have an acute phobia of vomiting. And there was a time not so long ago when I had an equally acute fear of being alone that was entirely associated with my phobia of illness. Though I wish I could say that I have overcome my phobia, I cannot say that. The phobia still exists, though certainly not as potent as it once was. And I can say that the fear of being alone has diminished nearly to non-existence. While it certainly helped to know that my husband was asleep in the same house and that he would be beside me if I needed him, it was refreshing to realize that I didn't need him. At least I didn't need him for emotional purposes (only to fetch some medicine, a washcloth, water, etc.). I slept on that bathroom floor alone Sunday night and while it was one of the most miserable nights of my life, I am grateful for realizing my own emotional strength in the midst of my physical weakness. I still prayed fervently throughout those long hours of darkness, but while my prayers have previously entailed pleas to God that I would not vomit, my prayers that night were simply for calmness and peace in the midst of the pain. And as my body began to exhaust itself temporarily, I became aware of the simplicities in life that I often take for granted. Namely...a soft mattress beneath my back, the ability to move without excruciating torture throughout my body, the capacity to sleep for more than 10 minute intervals. And in thinking of these seemingly simple daily experiences, I realized that there are many people in this world who are fighting much more serious, debilitating illnesses on a daily basis. There are people, even ones I know, who cannot sleep for more than minutes at a time without pain. People who cannot move without terrible nausea overtaking them. And there are many more who may not be physically ill and yet they never feel the comfort of a mattress beneath them at night. At least I had the warmth in the house and a blanket and a pillow (or 2 actually) beneath my head.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same, with a different location. I could tolerate the bed and even sleep for a few hours at a time. As I began to walk rather than crawl to the bathroom, I felt as if the world was spinning, as if my head might explode, as if my body might break into pieces from shivering so violently. I felt as if my heart would give out and I might collapse at any moment. But despite these feelings, I realized the inherent greatness in being able to walk. I was able to appreciate the movement of my body, however slowly that movement occurred. I was able to once again recognize the strength exhibited by so many others and I stood in awe of their grace.

Last night, the tears fell time and time again. With my body beyond exhaustion and my worries about missing work increasing, I felt desperate for relief, for strength, for a rapid physical recovery that would allow me to resume my daily obligations. But as my husband wiped my tears, as he brought me Gatorade and magazines and Word Find puzzles, as he rubbed my back and laid beside me in bed...I fell in love with him all over again and I realized that sometimes the truest beauty of love is found in the most un-beautiful moments. I have not had the strength to bathe (beyond a washcloth and water) in 3 days and my hair is disgustingly dirty. My body looked emaciated and my skin is some strange tinge of purple and yellow hues. And yet my husband looked at me as if I was the most beautiful person in the world. And so, through my streams of tears, I saw the power of love, the beauty of love, and I thanked God for being blessed with this love.

Today I have slowly begun what I can only hope is the road to recovery. There have definitely been my moments of doubt (even now, as I'm fighting another spell of pain and nausea), but I've felt such an amazing outpouring of love and prayers from family and friends that the emotional comfort has overpowered the physical weakness I am still fighting. In the midst of other's busy and chaotic lives, I've received messages that prayers are being said (the most endearing from my best friend's 3-year-old daughter) and that love is being sent from many, many miles away. And tonight as I say my own prayers for all these special people in my life, the only thing I can say is that all those prayers and love have reached me and I am more grateful for the blessings in my life than any words can say.

And so it is that life's greatest struggles teach us some of the most important lessons in life. Misery can make us remember what is truly important, and while I would gladly have done without the misery, I am so thankful for this reminder of God's blessings.