Sickness has a strange way of opening up a whole new world, or rather the same world through an entirely new perspective. Despite my crappy immune system and the numerous ailing aches and pains that I experience on a regular basis, I can honestly say that it has been a very long time since I have been as sick as I have in these past 3 days. And as much as I've hated every second of it, I do feel as though my eyes have been opened in the midst of my semi-delusional state of consciousness. Simple things ordinarly taken for granted have accrued greater meaning. Everyday gestures have been accepted with abundant appreciation. Greater respect and admiration for others has been gained. I could not have fathomed any of this as I laid on the bathroom floor with my body shaking uncontrollably and one arm wrapped around a trashcan. When my blood pressure became so low that I had to check it every 10 minutes to determine whether a trip to the hospital was warranted, my last thought was anything akin to appreciation. And still, my body is weak and aching. My head is still clouded and it is still a tremendous effort to move beyond my bed for more than 5 minutes at time. But my ability to think has returned, and with those thoughts, a new perspective has been born. Perhaps it sounds trite or naive or just plain ridiculous, but in this moment, I do not care how it sounds. Right now, what matters to me is that I was able to gain some strength and gratitude from a very miserable experience.

I have an acute phobia of vomiting. And there was a time not so long ago when I had an equally acute fear of being alone that was entirely associated with my phobia of illness. Though I wish I could say that I have overcome my phobia, I cannot say that. The phobia still exists, though certainly not as potent as it once was. And I can say that the fear of being alone has diminished nearly to non-existence. While it certainly helped to know that my husband was asleep in the same house and that he would be beside me if I needed him, it was refreshing to realize that I didn't need him. At least I didn't need him for emotional purposes (only to fetch some medicine, a washcloth, water, etc.). I slept on that bathroom floor alone Sunday night and while it was one of the most miserable nights of my life, I am grateful for realizing my own emotional strength in the midst of my physical weakness. I still prayed fervently throughout those long hours of darkness, but while my prayers have previously entailed pleas to God that I would not vomit, my prayers that night were simply for calmness and peace in the midst of the pain. And as my body began to exhaust itself temporarily, I became aware of the simplicities in life that I often take for granted. Namely...a soft mattress beneath my back, the ability to move without excruciating torture throughout my body, the capacity to sleep for more than 10 minute intervals. And in thinking of these seemingly simple daily experiences, I realized that there are many people in this world who are fighting much more serious, debilitating illnesses on a daily basis. There are people, even ones I know, who cannot sleep for more than minutes at a time without pain. People who cannot move without terrible nausea overtaking them. And there are many more who may not be physically ill and yet they never feel the comfort of a mattress beneath them at night. At least I had the warmth in the house and a blanket and a pillow (or 2 actually) beneath my head.

Monday and Tuesday were more of the same, with a different location. I could tolerate the bed and even sleep for a few hours at a time. As I began to walk rather than crawl to the bathroom, I felt as if the world was spinning, as if my head might explode, as if my body might break into pieces from shivering so violently. I felt as if my heart would give out and I might collapse at any moment. But despite these feelings, I realized the inherent greatness in being able to walk. I was able to appreciate the movement of my body, however slowly that movement occurred. I was able to once again recognize the strength exhibited by so many others and I stood in awe of their grace.

Last night, the tears fell time and time again. With my body beyond exhaustion and my worries about missing work increasing, I felt desperate for relief, for strength, for a rapid physical recovery that would allow me to resume my daily obligations. But as my husband wiped my tears, as he brought me Gatorade and magazines and Word Find puzzles, as he rubbed my back and laid beside me in bed...I fell in love with him all over again and I realized that sometimes the truest beauty of love is found in the most un-beautiful moments. I have not had the strength to bathe (beyond a washcloth and water) in 3 days and my hair is disgustingly dirty. My body looked emaciated and my skin is some strange tinge of purple and yellow hues. And yet my husband looked at me as if I was the most beautiful person in the world. And so, through my streams of tears, I saw the power of love, the beauty of love, and I thanked God for being blessed with this love.

Today I have slowly begun what I can only hope is the road to recovery. There have definitely been my moments of doubt (even now, as I'm fighting another spell of pain and nausea), but I've felt such an amazing outpouring of love and prayers from family and friends that the emotional comfort has overpowered the physical weakness I am still fighting. In the midst of other's busy and chaotic lives, I've received messages that prayers are being said (the most endearing from my best friend's 3-year-old daughter) and that love is being sent from many, many miles away. And tonight as I say my own prayers for all these special people in my life, the only thing I can say is that all those prayers and love have reached me and I am more grateful for the blessings in my life than any words can say.

And so it is that life's greatest struggles teach us some of the most important lessons in life. Misery can make us remember what is truly important, and while I would gladly have done without the misery, I am so thankful for this reminder of God's blessings.