life as i know it...: wanting more...

"We always want what we don't have." - I have no idea who originally made this statement, but as much as I hate to admit it, it is a truth. At least it is true a lot of the time.

So much time is spent living the day-to-day life in monotony, complacency, and boredom. We go through the motions and do what needs to be done. On occasion, we find something to entertain ourselves, to fill our spirits with more than just a moment's excitement. But at least for me, I find that oftentimes I am still left with some empty space inside. The problem is that I am then faced with the dilemma of trying to identify the reason for the emptiness and then find a way to fill it. And filling the emptiness is the most difficult piece of it all.

Tonight I have that sense of emptiness. I feel restless and yet nothing seems able to calm that place of internal chaos. No matter what I try to do, nothing seems to help. I'm left filling my time with empty activities and praying that sleep will come soon and tomorrow morning I will feel more alive, more full of life, literally.

It is easy in hindsight to look back on our pasts and see the good aspects of what we once had and have since lost. I have been struggling with this a lot lately...this sense that I've lost some crucial piece of myself, of who I am. I am not entirely sure what that piece is...I have some ideas...but I know that, in large part, that is where this current sense of emptiness was borne. In some aspects, I am not at all the woman I want to be, or the woman I imagined I would be. And now I am left with an imagination running rampant and that feeling of wanting, or perhaps needing, more.